Writing by Carol Mays


Pepper Cane's Rant
Merry Christmas, you say? For you maybe, but not for me! I mean, who ever heard of one of Santa’s elves getting arrested and having to do community service? That’s the mess I’m in now! You see, I’m an elf -- a real elf -- who just so happens to have made one little mistake and now I’m sentenced to 60 hours of community service during the Christmas season at this stupid mall as -- get this -- are you ready? An elf -- helping the imposter Santa at the Picture Gallery. It’s a mind numbing nightmare. On top of my 60 hours, I have to go to anger management sessions with this complete idiot -- some psychologist, named Dr. Phil. He kinda looks like the Grinch with his bald head and beady eyes. And, really I shouldn’t be here. The mall, I mean. It’s kinda all your fault -- well, maybe not yours but people like you. You see, most people think elves live at the North Pole, are short, eat tons of sweets and make toys all day long. WRONG!!!!!
Elves are everywhere doing all sorts of jobs -- not just toy making and baking. I don’t have tons of time to explain this to you but let me see if I can. There are two kinds of elves: Green Hats and Red Hats. Green Hat elves are construction workers, plumbers, electricians, you know -- skilled labor stuff. At the North Pole they do the baking, card making and any sled repairs needed. Red Hat elves, which is what I am, make toys at the North Pole, and are often teachers, doctors, nurses, writers and stuff like that everywhere else. I used to be a top Red Hat Elf before the Incident. I made simple things which kids used to want for Christmas: blankets, pillows, stuffed toys, and my best of all: Sock Monkey. That’s been popular for a long time until that bitch stole it from me and mass-produced Sock Monkey -- and not very well made I might add. I found out about it when Spike -- oh, you don’t know him. Do you? You might. He’s a Red Hat hot-looking elf with spiked blue hair, edible piercings, and a tattoo of a red hat on his right arm. Well, Spike makes wild, cool, crazy cool toys that do amazing things. He invented pop rocks, exploding volcanos, motorized scooters just for kids, well just about anything that explodes or flies. He’s so cool. Well, Spike is the one who told me that Candy Land -- the bitch -- stole my Sock Monkey and changed the look to get away with it. She thinks she is so wonderful just because she’s from the wealthy and famous family who invented the game -- Candy Land. She’s used to getting her own way and when -- oh, yeah she’s a Red Hat elf too if I failed to mention that but I guess you could’ve figure that out. Oh, where was I? I get so mad I forget what I’m talking about. Oh, yeah. She stole my pattern of Sock Monkey off my desk and instead of him being the usual brown sock she made all different variations of Sock Monkey -- that part was fine -- all she had to do was ask me. But the part that is not o.k. is that she makes them talk and say some nauseating, high pitch-voiced phrases that when you pull the string it makes a: pooshk sound and says, -- “Candy Land is my favorite game! Pooshk -- Candy Land is where I want to live! Pooshk -- Candy Land is fun for you and me!” It’s selling at an over-priced store ironically at this stupid mall.
Well, I got so mad that I confronted her at one of our Christmas parties. It was such a perfect party too. Chocolate fountain, pizza, a crystal ball and rock- n -roll Christmas music. Spike was playing the electric guitar and singing. Oh, he’s so hot!
“Candy!” I yelled. “What the hell do you think you’re doing stealing my Sock Monkey and making it your own?” She turned and looked at me with her perfect grape eyes -- all the guy elves love purple-grape eyes -- I have chocolate-brown eyes but you can see that -- and in her annoying fake-whisper sweet voice she had the nerve to say, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I checked and your Sock Monkey didn’t have your name on it. You didn’t register it. So, I just perfected it and made it more up-to–date and cool. Oh, and my Sock Monkey -- registered in my name -- has accessories. So, I don’t know what you’re talking about Peppercane.” She patted me on the head -- because she’s taller than me. I snapped. I completely lost it. On her. I never lost it like I did at that party. I can remember Spike yelling, “Way cool! An elf chick fight!” I kicked her knees then, I punched her face making her red velvet Louis Vuitton Hat sail across the room and land at Santa’s feet. Candy’s eyes rolled back, then she hit the floor with a wobbly thud. Santa looked at me with a grave expression.
You can guess the rest. Rudolf couldn’t keep a secret if his red nose and Christmas depended on it. I was arrested, booked and put in a cell across from the real Grinch -- not Dr. Phil. There were some others there on the naughty list. I can’t believe I just snapped like that. I really can’t explain myself. I’ve been taking it from her all my life and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Dr. Phil says I’m a disgruntled elf and says I should, “just let thangs go -- invent somethin’ new and register your inventions from now on.” I wanted to punch him when he said that, but I just smiled and said, “Thank you, I will do that from now on. I am so fortunate to have your help.” Santa bailed me out and is giving me a second chance.
Well, I guess I better get back to work my break is almost over. I see a long line of kids waiting to tell the fake Santa what they want for Christmas. I hope it’s not Candy’s stupid talking Sock Monkey. Wait -- I’m getting a text. It’s from Spike! He’s asking me to the annual Christmas Ball! I guess it’s a Merry Christmas after all!
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CAROL MAYS
Carol Mays has written four novels about talking cats.
That House
Nina Rothford, age 59, an empty–nester housewife, rode her red tricycle through her plush suburban neighborhood as she always did at six in the evening. Her life was perfect, just like the McMansions in this subdivision called Trees. Each street named after the trees that were planted there: Oak Drive, Mesquite Drive, Juniper Lane, Magnolia Way, etc. She rode past the homes with manicured lawns meticulously monitored by the ever-hovering, Home Owner’s Association, better known as the HOA. Little did she know that this evening would change her life forever, for she had just coasted past that house.
It caught the corner of her eye as she pedaled down the street. The house was one of the oldest in the neighborhood, which isn’t saying much since that makes it about forty-five years old. It was hardly an antique since it was built in the early 1980s. A couple: classic, old-fashioned, career husband and old-money wife, built it. A few years ago, the wife, annoying Mrs. Primrose, died at the age of 85. Now, alone, Mr. Primrose sat on the porch rocking back and forth.
Nina waved as she coasted past him. Mr. Primrose hollered, “Hey! Stop by for a spell!” Nina spun around and rode up the walk. She stopped in front of him and smiled, “Sorry about just riding on. I’m never really sure if the neighbors around here want to visit or just wave.” Mr. Primrose just nodded. He took a deep breath, coughed, and then said, “I know. This has always been a snotty place to live, but my wife loved it.” Nina never liked her, but thought she should say something nice. “I’m sorry about her passing away. She always made the best casserole for the annual HOA meetings.” Mr. Primrose coughed again, “Well, I’ve been very depressed lately, and the bills just pile up. I wanted to tell you that I’ve invited an old buddy of mine to move in. He and I were in the Navy together. I don’t want to go to a nursing home, and well, neither does my friend. We are going to hire around-the-clock home health nurses. Just thought you might like to know since you ride by every day.” Nina nodded. “Thanks for telling me.”
The next evening, Nina hopped on her trike and headed down Juniper Lane. She thought about her husband, who basically spent every waking moment shut up in his office watching the stock market. He called it work, but Nina thought it was just an excuse to have as little to do with her as possible. She spotted Mr. Primrose rocking back and forth, laughing. The other man laughed too as he gestured. They looked like they were having fun. “Hey! There you are! Stop for a spell! I want to introduce you to my navy buddy, Tom.” Tom, like all those old military guys, was in pretty good shape: full head of hair, all of his teeth, and surprisingly muscular.
“Pleased to meet you,” Nina said. “Well! Commander Pete Primrose! You never told me about this beautiful woman!” Nina blushed. “Stand down. She’s married.” Mr. Primrose said, laughing. Nina loved the attention. They invited her to sit with them. A nurse brought out a tray of sandwiches, chips, and beer. Nina enjoyed hearing about their navy life, all the places they went, and the fun they had. She shared her life with them, how her two children had moved on, and her husband’s preoccupation with the stock market. All she had was her male, black cat Mushymoto. “I think you have more than you think,” Tom said as he pointed to Nina’s trike. “That will take you where you need to go and keep you in good shape, too.” Mr. Primrose nodded, “Tell you what, Nina. Why don’t you just make it a habit to visit us every day at about this time, 6:00 pm. We’ll have supper together.” Nina nodded. “Sounds like a perfect plan, but I will bring the food. It’s the least I can do.”
Over the next six months, Nina visited Pete and Tom every evening. They sat on the front porch, laughed, told stories, shared worries and concerns, and enjoyed the many different meals Nina had prepared.
Then, one evening, Nina saw flashing red lights speed by her house. She hopped on her trike and pedaled fast. By the time she got to Mr. Primrose’s home, the paramedics had already driven away. She saw a blond woman barking orders at the nurse on the front porch. Tom saw Nina and went up to her. “What happened?” Nina asked. Tom shook his head. “Pete passed away.” Nina gasped. She held back tears. “How?” Pete replied, “his heart. He died peacefully in his sleep.” Nina worried, “What are you going to do?” Tom pointed to the woman yelling at the nurse, “Well, that’s his daughter, Rachael. She said I can stay here. They plan to rent the other two bedrooms to some other seniors like me.
As the weeks went by, Nina got less and less time to visit on the porch with Tom. He seemed different. Weak, depressed, and distant. He just wanted to sleep all the time. He had no appetite for the casseroles that Nina brought. The nurses who occasionally popped their heads out to check on him were hostile, and some of them looked scary. Nina asked Tom about it. He just said, “Well, Rachael hired a new home health group.”
Then, one cold day, Tom wasn’t on the front porch. Nina parked her trike on the walk. She knocked on the front door. A long-haired man wearing medical scrubs answered. “Yeah.” Nina, startled, jumped back. “Um, hi. I was wondering if Tom is here.” The man simply replied, “I don’t know any Tom.” And, with that, he shut the door in her face.
Every evening for two weeks, Nina rode her trike by that house. Every evening was the same. She saw the long-haired guy in scrubs smoking on the front porch. Another rough-looking guy leaned against the post, and a third sat on the ground vaping. They always stared hard at Nina as she rode by. She felt uneasy. She decided that if she were going to find out anything, she would have to ride her trike tonight. It would be scary, but she had to do it. She waited in her house until 10:00 p.m. Her husband was fast asleep. Nina rolled her trike out of her backyard and switched on her headlight.
She turned the corner onto Juniper Lane and rode up to that house. A window blind was up in one of the front bedrooms, and she could see an old man sitting up in a hospital bed. A single light was on. Is that Tom? It can’t be. She rode around to the back of the house in the alley. Nina knew she shouldn’t do it, but she had to find out the truth. She parked her trike, switched off the light, and peeked through the fence. A light was on in the kitchen. The three guys who were on the front lawn were standing around the counter. Three more creepy home health workers sat around a wooden table. They were talking and eating burgers. In the back bedroom, a dim night light cast a long shadow. Nina could see two more old people in beds. In the living room, another dim light revealed six more hospital beds with patients, and just off to the right, the dining room, five more! How many do they have in there? Nina wondered. Something about the whole setup seemed wrong. Nina knew she had to do something.
The next morning Nina called the HOA. She hated doing it. “Good morning. This is Nina Rothford. I live at 1588 Oak Drive.” Cindy Perez, the director, answered, “Yes, Nina. How can I help you?” Nina told the entire story in five minutes. Cindy remained speechless. “Hello? Cindy? Are you still there?” Nina asked. “Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with anything like this in my thirty years of service.” Nina exhaled audibly, “Look. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m telling you the truth.”
“I believe you. I know Mr. Primrose passed away, and his daughter owns the house now. These homes are single-family only. So, if they are doing what you claim, then that’s a clear violation. I’ll have to check this out.”
Nina felt uneasy all afternoon. She needed to know something, and waiting for Cindy to investigate seemed too long. If there was anyone who could tell her about that house, it was the neighbor, Jill Cater, who lived next door. Nina dialed the number and almost hung up, but Jill finally answered. After Nina described the entire story, Jill simply said she didn’t know anything about that house. No way! Nina thought to herself. Jill is the noisiest person on the block. She’s lying. Why?
That evening, Nina rode her trike down Juniper Lane. As she approached that house, Racheal ran towards her and jumped in front of her trike in the middle of the street.
“I see you ride past this house every day! How dare you accuse me of running a hospice house! The HOA called me and said that you complained! How dare you!” She screamed and gestured. Nina, caught off guard, was speechless. Nina mumbled a weak apology. Rachael, satisfied, stormed back into the house. Nina rode home and called Cindy. She didn’t care that it was after-hours. It’s against the HOA bylaws for a resident who complains to be revealed. Cindy answered, “Nina. I was just about to call you.” Nina interrupted, “Did you tell Rachael that I complained?” Cindy replied, “No. No way. Why?” Nina explained her encounter. Cindy responded, “How did she find out? I didn’t tell her. Did you talk to anyone else about this?” Suddenly, Nina remembered. “Yes, Jill Cater.” Cindy said, “Well, that’s it. Anyway, I wanted to call you. You see, I thought it was weird when an electrician came by here a few weeks ago because he got lost. He said he was putting in ten extra sockets and a special breaker for the garage for that house. At the time, I didn’t think anything about it. I just thought they were trying to add something to that house to resell it. But, after you called, I became uneasy. I did some digging. I found out that Rachael owns a deep freezer business.” Cindy’s voice trailed off. Nina asked, “Are you saying that the deep freezers are in the garage of that house?” Cindy said, “I don’t know. I went over there, and a strange man in medical scrubs told me Racheal was out for the day. She called me back and denied that the house is even rented. There’s not much more I can do on my end.” Nina knew that if she was going to get to the bottom of this, she was going to have to find a way into that garage.
That night, promptly at 10:00 pm, Nina rode her trike down the alley behind that house. She carefully switched off her light and quietly peeked through the fence. The kitchen light was on, but no one was in it. There were now only three old people in the living room and one in the dining room. What is going on. Nina wondered. She knew that she had to see into the garage. The garage door had three windows at the top, but they were too high for her to reach. She rolled her trike up to it, looked around to make sure no one saw her, locked the wheel, and climbed up on the seat. She stood precariously on the trike seat and peeked into the window. The chilling sight nearly unbalanced her. Elderly people, dead, were laid out on long tables. The creepy medical scrub workers were surgically dissecting the bodies and removing hearts, lungs, livers, and other body parts. They were putting them in containers, then, into freezers against the wall of the garage. Nina let out a scream when she saw the horrific sight, but luckily, the workers didn’t hear her. They all wore earphones and must have been listening to music.
Nina’s heart pounded as she rode home quickly. She nervously unlocked the door of her home, yelling to her husband, “Dan! We need to call the police.” Dan stumbled out of the bedroom, blurry-eyed. Nina explained the entire story. They called the police who went blaring by their home five minutes later. Dan and Nina joined all the other neighbors who were standing outside that house. The police arrested the creepy medical staff. The coroner took out body after body in bags. Cindy showed up in her car and spoke with the police.
The months that followed revealed very little except that the old people were being murdered for their body parts, which were being sold on the black market. Racheal got off – somehow. The creepy staff all had previous convictions for various crimes of theft, drugs, etc. They were blamed for everything, and all went to prison. No one knew anything about a man named, Tom. Dan decided to divorce Nina. He left her the house and Mushymoto.
Nina continued to ride her trike at 6:00pm past that house. It had a ‘for sale’ sign and, strangely, quickly sold. The house was beautifully renovated. Nina heard from a neighbor that a family from out of state moved into it. They had two small children. It was rumored that they were desperate for a home, and they just didn’t care what had happened in that house. Also rumored around the neighborhood was that Jill’s uncle lived for a brief time in that house. And, Jill’s husband had an affair with one of the female nurses who took care of her uncle. Fortunately, the uncle was taken in by a distant relative.
Nina turned onto her street and saw a man riding a blue tricycle. He looked oddly familiar. As she got closer, she couldn’t believe her eyes. “Tom!” She exclaimed. “Where have you been!” Tom laughed. “Sorry about that. Well, I need to be honest with you. I was Pete’s friend, and I really did move into that house, but when I noticed they were drugging me by overdosing my medications, I escaped in the middle of the night. I contacted the police, who put a surveillance on that house. I wanted to call you so badly, but it would jeopardize the case.” Nina was so happy to see him that she jumped off her trike and hugged Tom. “Where are you living?” Tom smiled, “Well, I was put up for a long time in a police protection location, but now that is over. So, I’m currently looking for a place.” Nina smiled, “Well, Tom. I’m divorced. Dan left me. So, how about renting a room from me?”